Waldosia

Today was the day of our company summer party - which was cancelled. It's pouring down rain and very windy. So instead of drinking and golfing and being around people, I'm home alone. Again.

Being home alone usually means I start thinking too much about things I prefer not to think of. It's one of the reasons I like to lose myself in movies, books, anything really.

Thinking too much isn't a bad thing, but thinking too much about the things that make you sad can never be good. All it does is make you feel sadder than you were before.

I came across an entry in something called The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows.

waldosia
n. [Brit. wallesia] a condition characterized by scanning faces in a crowd looking for a specific person who would have no reason to be there, which is your brain’s way of checking to see whether they’re still in your life, subconsciously patting its emotional pockets before it leaves for the day.

I'm not even sure if it's a real word, but I do know that feeling well. I've experienced it before. All too often. It most often occurs when I am longing desperately to see someone that I know I won't be seeing anytime soon. Someone who is on the verge or has just slipped out of my life.

Of course, when I don't see them, even though I know I won't, I can't help but feel disappointed. Sometimes just a glance is all I want. I reminder of what I can't have. I glance of what I have lost.

Or maybe I just like inflicting pain on myself.