Monday, December 6, 2010

*toast* To the fullest.

Someone once asked me what I wanted out of life. My answer was simple. A little bit of excitement, a little big of adventure, a little bit of passion. It was only a half truth. I didn't want to come off too strong or seem too crazy, even though it is a well known fact that I am.

All I really want out of life is the experience; the adventure and the passion. Not just a little bit, but all of it. Every last ounce that I can get.

I was raised in a family where we took advantage of the few opportunities we had. Even though we had little money my parents wanted to be sure that us kids had a life rich in experiences. Before I was an adult I had been all over the western United States (except Nevada) and most of western Canada.

I had seen a lot of things that many people have only dreamed of being able to see. They instilled in me my sense of adventure. My quest for the new and exciting...and sometimes the just plain different. They made me long to always want to experience more, see more and do more.

And somewhere along my life's journey between 16 and 30 - I lost something.

Growing up in a house where sometimes there wasn't enough food to make it to the next pay day and new clothes were few and far between, made me long for a security that wasn't in my nature. So I pursued the "smart course".

I tried to go for a steady, reliable job and I turned my back on adventure. I forgot about passion. The most exciting thing I did in those years was a one month trip to Atlanta that I shall never forget. I tried to the right thing, the responsible thing, but I was going against my nature.

Then the chance came to leave it all behind and start a whole new life in a new province. I would be 14hrs away from everyone and everything I had ever known. In a place I had sworn I would never move to.

And then the most wonderful thing happened to me. I got lost.

Not lost in the traditional sense. I knew where I was and I knew where I had been. I just no longer had any idea where I was going. I had literally turned my entire life completely upside down.

I made mistakes that I had never made before, foolish mistakes that I would end up paying for later, but that was okay. I had held myself in check for so long that something like this was bound to happen sooner or later.

That is when I remembered what life was really all about. Life wasn't about trying to find that stable place. The place where you feel all safe and secure and nothing ever happens. If nothing happens, then that's not living.

Life is about living. It's about taking chances, making mistakes and learning. It's about experiencing everything that life has to give. The lowest of the lows and the highest of the highs. It's about the adventure you can find everywhere, even if you go no further than your own backyard.

I even began to eat foods that I didn't eat before and I learned to love them. Onions, BBQ sauce, and even hamburgers. I changed a lot and I learned to let myself go just that tiny bit.

The only sad thing thought, is that I've never really allowed myself to really let go. There is still that part of me that is holding on to the responsible, sensible persona that I had spent so long cultivating. And it's great to be responsible and a lot of ways.

Every now and then I do break free of that persona. I dance in the grocery store, I sing aloud on my walk to and from work. I take the challenges that are presented to me and I do my best to stand up to them. I am still trying to live, even at 30 (okay, ALMOST 30) I am still learning about who I am and what I want, but I know one thing:

Life is only lived when it is lived the fullest.

No comments:

Post a Comment