Thirty

Something has been on mind lately. I wanted to post about it a few days ago, but I just never got around to it for a few reasons. I'm not going to bother with the reasons here, but I will take the time to tell you about what has been on my mind.

In a few months I will be turning thirty. That's right, the big three-oh. Twenty-nine really wasn't a big deal for me. It was just another day that I spent like I've spent so many birthdays in my life. Alone. It's not that I don't have friends, but it's a fact that I have never made birthdays a priority for me.

I gave up really celebrating my birthday when I was 16. There was no sweet sixteen party for me. I had never really enjoyed the idea of birthday party beyond having fun and cake. So I limited my birthdays to a dinner out and gifts if my hand was forced. It was a mark of the years passing. That was all.

I didn't really think of it again until I turned twenty-seven. It was then I realized that I really couldn't be called young anymore. I had to face it, I was getting older and I had done nothing in my life - nothing at all. No job, no boyfriend, no place to call my own.

Now on the verge of thirty, I have to admit that things don't look much better beyond the job part. I do have a great job, but it's still just a job and not a career. And thirty is one of those milestone birthdays. It's one you want to make memorable.

It's not really the thought of getting older that bothers me. I don't feel older, so that isn't the issue. The issue is more that I am no where near where I would like to be at this age. At the very least, I wish I wasn't so damned alone.

I figure I can do only two things at this point. I can stay home - alone - and feel depressed or I can do something about it.

Okay, I'm not ready to go club some guy over the head and drag him back to my cave. Hell, I can't even focus on the dating sites to just get myself 'out there'. It's a tale for another day, but I'm really not good at serial monogamy. Monogamy yes, but one guy after the next? Not so much. I tend to leave gaps that are equivalent to years in my dating schedule.

But I am going to do something. I'm going to scare myself into enjoying my birthday. I'm going to take a vacation. On my own. Which, quite frankly, scares the bejesus out of me.

I'm thinking of going to San Francisco for four or five days. Just explore and have fun. Relax mostly. I'm not going to go wild or party like crazy. I'm not a party person - never have been, but I am going to forget that I'm thirty. Hell, I certainly don't look thirty!

There is only a few things holding my back. I do have better uses for that money. I really do. There are debts that still need to be paid and future plans to save for. Still, the draw is appealing. And a part of me wonders - I can do this? Can I really do this?

Of course, I could just end up depressed in San Francisco instead.....