Drinking and Posting

...is always a bad idea. Of course, since Ive been drinking the original post title was "dinking and potsing" which really doesn't have quite the same ring to it. Then again, I am more particular about spelling and grammar when I'm drunk then I am when I sober. Unfortunately the amount typos means it takes me four time as long to write anything.

I will never understand why 'soft' alcohol like wine and beer (which I am no longer allowed to drink) affects me so much more than the hard stuff. I can do shots all night without much of an affect on me. At least, not that I notice, but one bottle of wine and I am three sheets to the wind.

Ah well, I shall reiterate - drinking and posting, or if you prefer, drinking and tweeting or drinking and facebooking are bad ideas. Most people, when they are a few drinks past capacity, are a little amusing to those of us who are sober. I wish sometimes that I was one of those people.

I have a tighter rein on myself when I drunk then I do when I am sober. I am much more conservative and particular when I've been drinking. As far as I know, that isn't exactly common. Most people lose control and I become more controlled.

Actually, the point at which I laugh too loud, say stupid things and do stupid things is that point between drunk and sober - and only when I am having fun. Otherwise, I am much too reserved and self-conscious.

Those of you who have the dubious pleasure of knowing me might doubt thins. but sadly this is true. I am well aware that I am acting drunk, but I, sadly, am not as drunk as I seem. When I am truly drunk, I am much too self-conscious to act in such a way.

All this talk about drunken behavior is leading me to a single statement. A wish really.

I want to be able to let go.

It sounds odd, I know, but I wish for this very much. It would be so nice not to be my own worst critic. Not to be so aware of whether or not I may appear the fool. I would like to not care about how other perceive me.

Unfortunately, this is an aspect of myself that I find impossible to turn off. As much as I wish it to be so, it is not. I am always too aware of how I appear to others and never more so than when I am drunk.

When I am drunk, I have internal monologue going. It chastises me for rambling too much (in fact I'm doing that right now). It tells me what I need to do to sober up. It reminds me of my responsibilities - things I need to do before I go to bed. Even little things like changing the time for my alarm clock.

Mostly, I just wonder - what is the secret to not caring? The secret to just letting go and letting loose? Why am I not able to do this? Just once I want to know what it feels like to not be me - to just not care about how others see me. *sigh* Of course, that is more like how I pretend to be when I'm sober.

Now me and my numb face is going to face. Oh yes, did I mention that wine makes my face go numb?

(and of course I remembered to run spell checker for all my typos!)